youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
he fucked my hip out of place.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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