He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
