Will you blow on my dice?
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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