So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
