I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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