rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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