im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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