Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
