I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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