you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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