I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
