i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
