just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
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