The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
