I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Randomize
