glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
