cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
