Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
