You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
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