My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
