I just threw up on my dentist
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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