Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
