i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Randomize