you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
