She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize