just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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