Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
