I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
