dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
