My liver just broke up with me...
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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