Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Randomize
