so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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