Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Randomize
