Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
