im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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