just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
