i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
