Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Never underestimate the power of titties
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