Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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