Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
