Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
