ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize