i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Enjoy the penises
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
