New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
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