I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize