I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
