My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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