oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
