just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
We had to coat check the pizza.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize