omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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