i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
