I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Randomize
