you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
His nipple licking is glorious
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