Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
