a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I need water and some morals
Randomize
