Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Randomize
