UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
