god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
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