His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
