i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
