On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Randomize
