I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Randomize
